Okay ladies, I know you have these conversations, because I have them all the time with my girlfriends – how do you know that a man is ready to commit to you?

We’ve all heard the conventional wisdom that a man should chase you, should show interest in being with you, should take you out for wine and dinner with you. And, for those of us who are godly women, we have to add the provisions that you must attend church, be filled with the Holy Spirit, and many other conditions that go along with it (be kind to your mother, respectful to your pastor, somewhat familiar with the Bible, etc., etc.).

But, once you get through all these ‘qualifications’, how do you know when a man is really ready to commit to you? Today I’m going to look at that question backwards, and give you the 10 signs that say the man you are involved with is definitely not ready to commit. They are as follows:

1. He is elusive and vague about his feelings

You can never get him to admit the depth (or shallowness) of his feelings for you. You are “fine” or “fine”. He hasn’t made any claims about what you mean to him, how important you are to him, or what he thinks of you. At best (if your man isn’t particularly talkative), show his feelings, even if he doesn’t talk about them. He is polite, courteous, and responsive to your needs. He cooks for you. Mow the grass (without asking). Or something like that. The worst case? He doesn’t share any of his feelings with you because he doesn’t have any. The deepest feeling he has for you is the aforementioned ‘good’. And no one wants to be just “okay.”

2. He does not share his plans with you

You don’t know how he spends his free time. You don’t know who his friends are. You don’t know what their goals are. However, it seems to have a full, complete and active life completely separate from you. This is definitely a bad sign. If you are not an important part of your current life, you are probably not an important part of your future plans either. If you are in a new relationship, give it some time. But if you still know very little about him after dating him for several months (or several years), this man is very happy to have you right where he has you: from the outside looking in.

3. Doesn’t answer the phone when you call

Yes, I know that sometimes we are all busy. I don’t answer my phone at least 30% of the time (I have to work and sleep, you know). But what if he rarely or never answers? Or is he just calling you in response to a message (or several) you left on his phone or because he sees your number on his caller ID? Bad, bad, bad signs. A man who is interested in you wants to talk to you. It doesn’t matter what else you have: job, family, kids or whatever. You should be a priority for him (or at least your phone calls should be). If not, you need to make it a priority in your life again.

4. He has not introduced you to anyone (nor does he present you as ‘my friend’)

Okay, this is simple. If a man hasn’t introduced you to anyone he knows (and at least he has a mom, a couple of friends, co-workers, or someone), you probably aren’t very important to him in his life. Why do I say that? What’s one of the first things you do when you meet someone (that you really like)? Introduce him to your friends or invite him to accompany you to different functions. Men are not much different from us: if they love having you around, they will invite you to be where they are. And, in the normal course of those invitations, you will meet people who are in your life. If you haven’t, be careful. And closely related to this sign is this:

5. Don’t tell anyone about you

When you talk to him, he may bring up conversations he has had with his family or friends. He tells you all about these conversations in which he talks about the baseball games or basketball finals he saw on television, the repair that has been done to his car or how his boss is getting on his nerves. You can even mention to these aforementioned friends and family your weekend plans. But, then you realize something: He told them what he was going to do, but not who he would be doing those things with (that is, you). A simple oversight? An urgent need for privacy? Possibly. But, most likely, he is not prepared for anyone to know of your existence in his life. This could be for a number of reasons, but none are good. So, keep up with her mentions of yourself in your life – it’s an important indicator of your intention and how seriously you take your relationship.

6. Talk about your future in terms of ‘me’

When he talks about where he is going to live, what job he plans to get, or what school he plans to attend, he is all about him. I’m “” going to move to Florida or “I’m” going to the University of Nevada. Or, even when he talks about things that could possibly involve you, like a future trip, moving from his apartment to his house, or even a movie he plans to see, for God’s sake, he still doesn’t mention you. What should this tell you? That he still thinks of himself in terms of being single. It has not yet occurred to him that his relationship with you could become more serious. All those “I’s” and “we” lacks is his subconscious way of telling you that he doesn’t consider you his serious partner.

7. He doesn’t take you out

Sure, he likes spending time with you, but only in the privacy of his home. Or you have limited outings like to the movies (where no one can see you) or to the deli to buy a sandwich at the place around the corner from your house. You don’t do the “big” dates like charity functions, birthday parties, family events, or the like. This should tell you something: this man is not ready to be serious with you. A man who wants to be with you will spend time with you in a variety of places, both in public and in private. And even if he’s personally not very interested in going to the museum, eating out, or seeing a movie, he should at least be willing to give it a try if it means pleasing you. Beware of a man who limits his activity to a specific type of place.

8. He only calls late (aka he treats you like a booty call)

Correct. I know that we are all Christians and do not engage in late-night conversations with inappropriate men. But, in case this applies to you (and you’re taking those late-night calls), just understand that he doesn’t take you seriously. If you just call late, you have to ask yourself: what is he doing between 8 a.m. M. And 9 p.m. M.? Why can’t you call then? Are you involved with someone else? Are you married or have you recently separated? Or does he just see you as a way to satisfy his needs (whatever they may be)? Unless he’s working a really weird shift, there’s no reason why your guy can’t call you at a reasonable time. Do what feels right to you, but know that late-night calls don’t equate to serious intentions.

9. Do not share personal information

Have you ever wondered why you don’t know where your boy lives? Or where do you work? Or are you not even 100% sure of their last name? Unless you’re really disinterested (or not curious enough to ask him), it’s probably because he doesn’t want you to know. And why doesn’t he want you to know? It could be hiding something. However, he most likely does not consider your relationship serious enough to share serious information about his life with you. Do not you believe it? Try asking those questions the next time you see him. Your answers (or lack thereof) will speak for themselves.

10. Not interested in your activities or future plans

We have already discussed the fact that he does not tell you about his future plans. But now, to add insult to injury, he doesn’t ask about your plans either. Why is this so bad? Let me ask you something: what kind of people don’t you ask questions like these? That’s right, acquaintances or people you hardly know. She even talks to her boss (who she can’t stand) about what she plans to do for the weekend. However, doesn’t your boy ask? Very suspicious. Suspicious enough that you rightly think he’s just not interested in knowing. Or if not, I would ask. And trust me, no matter what you think of him, he’s perfectly capable of asking anything you want to know. He would ‘ask’ about his paycheck if his job stopped paying him. He would ‘ask’ about his monthly payments if he bought a new car. He can ‘ask’ you what your future plans are, if he so chooses.

So those are 10 good signs that the man you are involved with has no intention of being serious with you. He can be a nice guy, fun to hang out, good to his dog, kind to his mom, but he hasn’t quite reached the level of being ready to commit (at least not to you). If it’s a new relationship (one year or less), wait a bit and see. But if it’s been more than a year, the best thing to do is keep your options open. Don’t pass up the opportunity to get involved with someone who has a committed mindset while you wait for your guy to have a clue. Again, do what you think is right for you, but put yourself first. Honor your own needs. And try to be with someone who gives you the same respect. And, as always, pray, pray, pray! God will save you even when you don’t want to save yourself! Trust His guidance and He will always be with you.

And, if you’re curious, the next chapter tells you five steps to finding out if your guy is ‘the one’.