There’s a reason we talk about New Year’s Resolutions, or buy books off the “self-help” shelf, or hire life coaches. We are not where we want to be. Yes, we may have satisfaction in some categories of our life, but we often find that certain segments of ourselves are lacking. Whether it’s what we find in the mirror, our wallet, or our soul, our lives always seem to beckon us toward growth. We want “different” and “better”. But if this desire is so universal and so predictable, why isn’t it also more powerful? Why doesn’t the mother’s “want” produce change and transformation?

1. We often don’t know the “how” behind change. We know where we are and what we long for, but we don’t seem to have the proper compass, map, or orientation skills. We are tired of our reality and ready to make it different, but we just don’t know what will get us there. It doesn’t help that we are often overwhelmed with information, creating too many options, many of which are contradictory or ill-conceived. What diet or exercise plan should we adopt? What kind of time management philosophy will really work for me? Finally, we succumb to the paralysis induced by an unlimited supply of options, and lie in the fetal position wishing we had never had these longings.

2. Our words and our habits communicate contradictory desires. Often when we see what others would consider legitimate options, we dismiss them because it would negate another “unwritten wish.” We become casualties in the war of competing desires, never allowing one to oppress the others. We want to finish that novel or screenplay, but we also want to sleep in or enjoy a movie marathon. We want to have six-pack abs, but we also want to eat the most of a large pizza and wave to people at the gym on the way to Buffalo Wing-fest. I never tell clients that they can have anything they want. Having everything you want only happens when you have figured out how to want those things that lead to your best life. This is an acquired skill and often eludes us.

3. We flee from risk. Most of the obstacles in our path are smoke screens. We tell ourselves terrifying stories about what can happen if we stray too far from the familiar. “Start my own business? But do you know the current start-up failure rate?” Or “Do I just walk up and introduce myself to that man/woman at the party? I’m sorry I’ve been knocked down too many times.” It is said that only when the fear of staying the same usurps the fear of change, do we really pull the trigger. Rarely have I seen someone take a risk and feel that the result came close to the horror they had imagined. Actually, I have never observed it.

4. We do not assign action to you. In our foundation we are trained animals. We need active and intentional repetition to become something other than our current selves. Action is the bridge from reality to fulfilled resolution. It even drives us to cross. Many times, if we simply reduced our goals to repeating one intentional act daily, it would make a world of difference. What if we simply committed to smiling at 1 “yet unknown” person or 1 person who would normally threaten us every day? What if we choose to focus on learning our second language every day instead of watching a 1 hour TV show? Imagine the difference it would make to our health if we committed to taking the dog for a 30-minute walk every day? Change does not occur like a tidal wave, but more often as a perpetual current. What are you choosing to allow to flow over you now? Are persistent habits aligned with your desired life?

5. We trust completely in our own power. The change is communal. When we look at the barrel of transformation, we must count the people who are considered partners. In essence, we want to be significant in the personal development of those we love and care about. A quick litmus test of friendship is to share the life you want and the goals that would catapult you there. You’ll find some scoffing, some yawning, and some heading to the finish line to witness your celebration. Stick with the last crowd and you’ll enjoy your ticker-tape parade.

The world is full of wishers and wishers, and some of them are doers. And at the end of the day, the only difference between the two is which category they CHOOSE to fall into.