I get a lot of mail from wives hoping their husband’s affair will fail miserably. These wives usually look for statistics that give them the assurance that the affair will eventually end and go up in flames.

Someone might ask, “My friends tell me that affairs never last and that my husband’s affair will eventually end without me having to do much about it. They say I’m wasting a lot of energy worrying because the odds are in my favor. Really , I don’t know many people who have been unfaithful. And the only couple I know who met when they were having an affair actually ended up leaving their spouses and getting married. It’s true they have a difficult marriage and trust is always an issue between them. But their relationship is still going on. So is it true that most affairs don’t last? And if so, why?

The numbers: It is absolutely true that most affairs do not last. Statistically speaking, only 3 to 5 percent of affairs end in marriage. This is pretty low. And when you consider that 75% of second marriages fail, you get an idea of ​​how unlikely it is that even if an affair couple does get married, they’ll still be in a relationship for life. I suspect that the divorce rate for couples whose relationship began as an affair would be higher than the 75% divorce rate for second marriages.

Because? For the same reasons that affairs generally don’t last. I will list some of these reasons below.

The relationship is based on secrecy, lack of integrity and lies: Anytime your relationship is based on negative and embarrassing things like secrets and lies, this doesn’t give you a good foundation. In truth, neither of you is likely to be very proud of this record. There is shame and guilt from the beginning. While other couples will proudly remember how they met in church or on a blind date, the cheating couple has to remember how they started their relationship in a closet while lying to each other. This is not the best way to start. Not only that, but often this couple’s friends and family secretly hope they fail because they don’t approve of how the relationship started.

If he does it to you, he will do it to you: This is probably the biggest hurdle these couples face. They fight with confidence. And this is understandable because each person has already shown themselves capable of cheating and leaving their spouse for the unfaithful partner. Now that the cheating partner has become a spouse, what’s to stop cheating with someone new from happening? Of course, everyone wants to believe that they are so special that they are soul mates that they will never need or want to cheat again. However, statistically speaking, this is generally not true.

The dynamics of relationship changes: Remember when I said that the people in the cheating relationship think they are special? Well, in a sense they are somewhat right. It’s hard for a marriage to compete with an affair, at least on one level, because it’s a fantasy that has no roots in reality. The adventure partner doesn’t have to pick up anyone’s dirty socks. And the woman in affair only wants to focus on the positive: she doesn’t nag or show any real expectations, especially in the beginning. Theoretically, it’s all about fun.

But when they are in a long-term relationship or married, this changes. Suddenly, he has to pick up his dirty socks. She seems to him the bathroom by cutting her nose hairs and burping at the dining room table. He watches her dye her hair and pluck her eyebrows. That’s not as attractive as seeing her only when she’s in her prime.

In short, the monotony of a marriage suddenly replaces the excitement of the adventure. And it is not so exciting and magical. This can make both people feel very let down and disappointed to change their old life and hurt so many people when they are now living their old life with someone new and still have a new set of complications.

In retrospect, the matter did not improve all: People often assume that the affair is going to solve all their problems or insecurities. This is simply not possible as you have to do it yourself. That’s another series of disappointments that soon become apparent.

In short, an adventure rarely lives up to the promise with which it begins. Once it has to exist in reality, it changes. Plus, you often start with so many things against you that it’s almost impossible to keep up the momentum.

So I agree with your friends that the odds are definitely in your favor, simply because the odds and statistics tell us that most affairs don’t last long and don’t end in marriage. However, I don’t think this is a reason to sit back and do nothing for your own healing. There are many things you can do for yourself to move forward no matter what your husband is doing at the time. I think it’s important that you don’t wait for him to make a decision or find out. Self-help or counseling can mean you keep going regardless of what he decides. And this does not mean that you are necessarily walking away from your marriage. It simply means that you are getting stronger so that when there is a resolution, you are ready.