On any given day, a well-stocked newsstand is likely to have a magazine or two with a preview that says something like this: “Is he cheating? How can you know for sure?” Signs of adultery are often the same and include a sudden interest in grooming and fitness, nights at the office, a new cell phone password, and changes in the frequency of your sex life.

But infidelity does not necessarily mean that the cheating partner is a sex addict. While the warning signs of an affair may indicate a sex addiction, these twelve signs may indicate that an affair is simply one part of the bigger problem of sex addiction.

1. A cross with other addictions. Because addiction is a physiological dependence on brain chemicals stimulated by drugs or addictive behavior, the body reacts to drugs, alcohol, or sex in the same way. And because an effective way to stop addictive behavior is to replace it with something else, addicts often switch from one addiction to the other. So if an affair suddenly develops a dependency on alcohol, it could very well be a replacement for one addiction for the other.
2. Lying. Yes, cheaters lie to cover their affairs. But addicts take lying to new levels. If a spouse claims to have ended an affair but remains secretive and shady and unwilling to be completely transparent with their partner, it might be time to suspect an addiction.
3. Chaos. The first step of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous is realizing that life has become unmanageable. A person who loses their wallet every three days, whose car has as much garbage as Yankee Stadium after a double header, and who can’t seem to pay the water bill, could be struggling with an addiction.
4. Inexplicable rage A husband who gets out of hand because his wife forgot to pick up the dry cleaning and can’t get dinner on the table right away might feel guilty about his plans to meet his lover later that night. Or you could be angry that you can’t get your fix. Anger is a legitimate emotion and happily married couples will argue and fight. But exaggerated anger that seems to come out of nowhere is often a sign of a guilty conscience.
5. Absence. Simply put, a spouse who does not see the need to be with the family is probably seeing the need to be with someone else. And the absence does not have to be purely physical. A spouse who is emotionally withdrawn is most likely invested elsewhere.
6. Willingness to lose everything. A cheater wants to eat his cake and lick the frosting too. An addict, however, can get so lost in addiction that he seems willing to give up everything he loves for one more. Of course, even an addict will say that they love their spouse very much and that they want the marriage to work. The tricky part is looking beyond the lips and seeing what is really in the heart. Rilke said, “A person is not who they are during the last conversation you had with them. They are who they have been throughout their relationship.”
7. Sexual neglect He probably looked like Charlie Brown to me – slumped shoulders, banging my head against the wall – when my husband told me this: “You have to admit one thing to me: I stopped having sex with you when the affair started.” Enough talk.
8. To blame. Addicts refuse to take responsibility for their actions. Interestingly, guilt is also what perpetuates addiction because we cannot fix a situation for which we are not responsible.
9. Suspicion. Remember the old playground joke: “Whoever smelled it, handed it out”? Or “it takes one to know one”? The same goes for guilt. Because we see through the lens of who we are, addicts are often suspicious of others.
10. Multiple issues. An affair does not necessarily mean that a marriage is doomed. We all make mistakes sometimes. But a second, third and fourth issue? Serial cheating is an almost certain sign of sex addiction.
11. Climbing. The nature of addiction is that it requires higher doses to obtain the same effect. If bad behavior keeps getting weirder, sex addiction is a very real possibility.
12. Obsession. Obsession and compulsiveness are trademarks of an addictive personality. Someone who seems to be too obsessed with one idea or activity one day and has jumped to an entirely different object of interest the next may have a propensity for addiction.

Of course, these signs cannot be used to professionally diagnose sex addiction. But being aware of them, especially in conjunction with marital turmoil, can help distinguish between an affair and a sex addiction.