As a marriage and family therapist for over 40 years, I have counseled many couples. With the goal of improving their relationships, I helped them understand themselves and others, practice constructive communication, express their resentments, make positive agreements, and create win-win solutions. Then I ask them to forgive themselves and others for anything they did or said that was not loving. I tell them that they both did the best they could with the information they had, and now they know better.
I think most people struggle with their partners, because love is not enough and they lack the necessary ideas and solutions. “It’s like you want to build a house,” I tell them, “but you don’t have any manuals or tools to be successful. So you wonder why your relationship is having problems.”
Couples can choose to remain miserable or separate from their partners when things get too troublesome. However, often, if they resume their relationship and their behaviors did not change, they will end up breaking up forever. I think this happens because they did not learn and heal what was not working.
On the contrary, I have counseled couples who came to therapy, whether they were together or apart, and they did very well by changing their painful patterns to loving ones. They were willing to grow and change.
However, if couples keep fighting during sessions, I suggest a Therapeutic Separation where they live apart and only connect in the office with me. This process helps them avoid reinforcing their old destructive patterns that separate them and to practice new ones.
Once I observe them getting along and being kind and loving to each other, I suggest they start dating again. I tell them, “Your previous relationship obviously didn’t work out, love is not enough, and the goal is to learn and practice what it takes to maintain a successful long-term love relationship. Act as if you are starting over and being mindful.” of what you are doing and how you are expressing yourself. “
Only when they inform me that their dates went well and they feel good and enjoy each other, do I suggest they go away for a weekend. If they were harmonious spending days together, I ask them if they feel ready to get back together.
If so, we still have sessions to check in and resolve any of your jarring issues.
If their relationship continues to improve, we meet every two weeks, or even once a month, to make sure they are constructively resolving issues. I explain that the test of a healthy relationship is how you both deal with discomfort. If you manage to feel closer after the disharmony, you are on the right path to a successful relationship.
As you can see, if you have relationship problems, it is important to learn what damaged your love connection and how to be the caring person that you are. You can avoid breakup or divorce. You can have the long-term, loving, and successful relationship you want, and you deserve it! Learn how and do it!
