I recently received an email from a wife who was separated from her husband. She hadn’t moved in yet, but she was definitely headed there. The two had difficulty communicating in a positive way and this impeded their ability to attempt a reconciliation. The wife was sure that she wanted to work things out, but her husband was no longer so sure.
He was starting to hint that it would be better for the two of them to separate and that he was tired of all the drama when things always ended the same negative way. The wife herself hoped that there were some things she could do to help stop this cycle and change her husband’s mind about her. She hoped that if he gave her a little and was even remotely receptive, the two of them could start to gain some ground and make things better. The wife herself wanted some advice on how best to handle this. I will tell you what I told him in the next article.
Before you start trying to reconcile, give your husband a chance to calm down. Enter some distance and space: In this situation, it is very common for the spouse who wants to leave the house to leave. And often the spouse who wants to save the marriage will fight tooth and nail. But sometimes, if you can control the time and distance, allowing this process can be a smart move.
Often, we are so caught up in the emotions of the situation that we are not objective enough to see what needs to be done, since everything seems so immediate. Often, after you give the situation some space, the objectivity you need becomes possible. This does not mean that one of you must leave. It simply means that you can offer to give each other some space and a cooling off period for a few days or weeks. You can back off or stay with friends, whichever is more acceptable to you.
Following him around and nagging him to see things your way and talk about it probably won’t work if he isn’t willing to listen. To establish your best chance of success, you’ll need him to eventually come on board. But if this isn’t happening right now, you better not push because his insights will directly help (or hurt) your cause. It is important that you paint yourself in the best light. And since things can be volatile right now, inserting a break into this situation will often help.
Settle for small improvements before pushing for full reconciliation: People often see this as an all or nothing situation. This is often the wrong approach to take. You will often see much better results if you focus your attention first on simply improving the way you interact. Like I said, you’ll need him to be receptive to you. This is much more likely to happen if you don’t push him and try to have tough discussions or make tough changes too soon.
Focus on the little things first. Just try to improve the interactions between you. It is important that you can become friends again so that you are both not protected and walk on eggshells every time you interact. This has likely become a very negative cycle that you need to break. You need to show him that every encounter with you is not going to end badly and that it really is safe for him to interact with you and listen to what you say, since you will no longer engage in a negative way.
Over time, the fights, misunderstandings, and awkwardness should begin to subside. And it’s only when this happens that you need to start worrying about moving slowly.
Go back to go forward: Once you’re back to acting friendly, you’ll want to start focusing on your romantic bond and intimacy. Then you’ll want to brainstorm the things that brought you together and brought you together in the beginning. You need to get these things back so that you can once again connect on a positive level. There are many reasons for this, but the most important one is that you are likely to get much more cooperation and a much better result with this strategy. After all, when they were dating and “in love,” they probably didn’t dwell on their problems and quickly resolved them when they arose. You did this because you didn’t want anything to interfere with the positive feedback you were receiving.
That doesn’t mean you won’t have to solve your problems. But, you don’t need to make this difficult and make it the main focus so that you don’t get the cooperation you need. Also, you’ll probably find it much easier if you restore friendship and intimacy first. This often takes time and small wins and often requires you to go back a bit before trying to move forward.
