Many relationships today start with the idea that sex is the deciding factor as to whether a relationship is worth pursuing or whether it is compatible. After all, there are hormones within us that seem to push us in this direction. Today’s cultures would have us believe that sex is the ultimate goal or the highest expression of love that we can offer to another person. Do you believe this?
It would take the separation of my marriage before I began to see another side, a side that I now believe to be the truth; what I previously believed did nothing to get my wife back, it only caused pain and destruction of what started out so beautiful. How in the whole world did we “just fall in love” when we loved each other so much when we first met?
It goes back to my childhood, like many others who felt rejected many times for various reasons, it caused me pain, and as a child I did not have the resources or the intellect to recognize that even our parents fail us sometimes. For many, our parents yelled at us, hit us, or even walked out of our lives, leaving vast amounts of damage to our souls.
It doesn’t take more than a few outbursts of anger or belittlement for us to no longer trust the only people we can trust; our parents. As young children, we come to believe that we are bad, stupid, or useless because they say so. We don’t understand that our parents have had their own childhood of pain and brought these patterns with them into their marriage and then their children. They didn’t stop the pattern, but you can!
We think our parents love us because they take care of our needs; food, clothing and housing. And from time to time a gift, something to entertain us or to make us happy. Therefore, knowing that our parents give us things; we must be bad, stupid or useless because everything comes from our parents, who love us, right? We can’t tell the good from the bad because our little minds can’t tell the difference. In fact, in our minds they are the same.
When we meet someone who shows kindness towards us, some interest in liking who we are, the feelings are so amazing that we are overjoyed to know something like that! This feels so good, in fact, that pretty soon we find ourselves clinging to this person in the way we always hoped we could cling to our parents. We thought our relationship with our parents was good, but this one is definitely better. In fact, it’s amazing! This is the beginning of where most relationships fail.
Our culture would have us believe that sex is the best way to express love to another person. In fact, the promotion of sex outside of marriage only further reinforces the distorted patterns in the minds of our children growing up today. If you don’t take steps to change these patterns, your children will one day look to get their wife back.
During our separation I realized what I really craved, and it wasn’t physical contact. Before the separation, I believed that this was my wife’s way of showing me that she loved me. In fact, it was during this time that I realized that we never really had a close friendship. Everything about my life with her centered around her physical affirmation.
Now let’s go back again and look at my childhood. Is there any reason to believe that my misunderstanding or belief in what a relationship was supposed to be had its roots in my childhood? I think so. There was little to no relationship of just enjoying the time we spent together. I grew up not really knowing what a loving relationship between my father and mother looked like. I don’t remember ever being hugged or said “I love you”.
I remember things where I was bad and wrong, or fat and stupid. Don’t get me wrong, I believe to this day that my childhood was a fairy tale compared to many, but when I was told that I wasn’t doing something right, I would hurt and feel worthless or stupid. I never heard my father say he was sorry, not once. By not telling me “he was wrong,” he further reinforced my belief that I was dysfunctional and worthless; i must be wrong
Now, let’s take this child, raise him, and put him in a relationship with someone else who probably faced these same things in his upbringing and also felt stupid and worthless. What do you have? A receipt for disaster! I’m amazed our marriage lasted this long before completely disintegrating. Why not?
The only foundation our relationship was built on was the hope of being excepted even in our worthless state. We came into marriage hoping to “receive” what we missed as children, hoping that this person would fulfill my heart’s deepest desire: to feel loved. When have you entered into a relationship with a friend and expected to receive it? However, this is how most marriages begin because the focus is on physical attraction.
The only thing was that I came into the marriage wanting my mother to hug me, to tell me that I was fine and that I was special. May my father affirm me as a man, leader and healthy on my own. But because that wasn’t drilled into me, I came into marriage weak, needy, and without direction as to who I was supposed to be as a man. I now expect my wife to live up to these expectations. If I hope to get my wife back, this was the opposite direction of her heart.
I learned that sex was just a physical thing in my marriage satisfying physical contact that I missed as a child. It was not an expression or extension of the relationship my wife and I shared. Today I feel differently about sex, in fact I don’t have any desire for sex right now to my amazement. Everything I’m learning is so much bigger and full of hope! I am learning that the right relationship is one that is based on friendship or companionship where two people can relax into their vulnerabilities.
What is true friendship?
What comes to mind as I reflect on this is the blooming of flowers. Seeds are planted, the hearts of two people unite for the first time. In time, with the smile of the sun, the sweet wash of the rain, small roots begin to grow; feelings, dreams and aspirations are shared and the relationship begins to take on a special meaning. After a while, small shoots break free from the soil that once held them; perfect lives of promise reaching for the warmth of the sun, reaching for what life has to offer. Two hearts growing together, focused on the Son, sharing this life that God created for them to enjoy and experience.
What is this? Leaves! huddled and scared at first; tender and weak. But the impulse of the other ensures that everything is fine and opens to receive all the brilliance of the sun’s rays. This is incredible! Drinking deeply now of the perfect cleansing of little dewdrops that rest softly on my face; our hearts beating inside of us, the thought of being together, forever is all that matters to us. It seems that there is only freedom in our minds and souls – this is wonderful!
But what is this? Just when you think things can’t get any better, something new happens and we’re sure it can’t get any better; a cocoon, small at first but bigger every day; hearts full of gratitude for what we share. Yes, I have one too and it looks similar to yours. Our stems are green and luxurious, smooth and strong. Our leaves now dancing in the wind seem to move in perfect harmony with each other, and life as we know it couldn’t be better!
The moonlight illuminated a romantic setting while the calm night brought the rest and the song of the nocturnal creatures. We both dreamed of how wonderful life was, how much we enjoyed spending each day together, resting in the knowledge that we were truly in love, nothing could be as good as this. The next morning I got up a little late, rubbing dew from my eyes, stretching out the sheets, and soaking up the sunlight. This was going to be another great day!
What is this!!! Looking back at me was the most glorious and amazing sight I had ever seen! She was standing there, so beautiful, so perfect, so precious, I can’t describe this, I must be dreaming. Then she spoke, a voice like an angle, “good morning darling” with a smile that took my breath away as she looked into my eyes. I looked up and to my amazement she was as beautiful as she was! A crown of many bright colors ordered my head, a beautiful flower had bloomed in the morning and together we were beautiful! We just stood there looking deep into each other’s eyes, then looking up at the blue sky laughing at the funny shapes of the clouds and how we thought they looked. Life was fun!
The breeze was soft and warm that day. I will never forget. But I’ll also never forget the way she turned and looked at me, a twinkle in her eye. It wasn’t that what would happen was bigger than the friendship and camaraderie we already had, but it was wonderful to be a part of something that was special just for us to enjoy and share as an extension of love. and the friendship we already knew so well together.
You see, we don’t “just fall out of love”, we never build our relationship on friendship. I did not focus my attention on fostering a friendship. I am learning that I must first become a healthy person, know who I am by everything I do and think. God made me unique, with gifts that he wants me to enjoy and share. No one on earth will ever really know who I really am, that is reserved only for the friendship I have with God who knows me completely.
So who am I? This is a good question and one that I really haven’t asked myself before. I spent my life trading who I am for who my wife wanted me to be from her, while expecting the same from her. While I may have some rough edges that require change, I should change only if it doesn’t take away who I am.
There will never be two people who have the same views and belief systems up to the “t”. What fun would there be in that anyway? What would there be to learn in a lifetime together if the two of you were the same in every way? The fun is in the difference! Embrace the uniqueness of others, enjoy learning to share your own unique gifts with others.
Here’s a thought; what harm would it do if each person in the relationship, like best friends, simply decided to love the other because they wanted to. And without expecting anything in return? Do you have a friend, I mean a very good friend? Is there respect for his space? I would hope so. Do you ever put them down, even in jest? I hope not! It can trigger old feelings.
Why should a marriage be any different? Wouldn’t it be amazing if you and your wife enjoyed each other’s company with respect for who each of you are? Recognize that you can know it well, but never as God knows it. In other words, there is something very special about your wife that only God knows deep in her soul, just as He knows you and excepts you just as you are.
What good has it ever done you to try to change your wife’s ways? Is it possible that if you know that God knows you so deeply that you can’t put words to try to describe your feelings, that He might also know what is best for your wife? Why do we get caught up in thinking that we somehow know something so big that we are willing to crush the hearts of the very people we say we love by offering our advice, trying to control what they should think or believe?
My wife and I talk every day now, in fact, she calls me because I have learned to be myself, to become a better and healthier person. But more importantly, I know I’m on my way to get my wife back because I’m becoming the friend she always wanted.
