Does homework cause tension at home? Is the feeling of frustration becoming too much to bear? If so, you are not alone. Every day I receive calls and emails from parents who are fed up with homework battles. Most parents wonder in exasperation, “Why is homework causing such a big problem!?” To answer that question, it is important to consider many factors.

Homework is more than just homework

Homework is more than a set of tasks your child has to complete each night, it is an exercise in developing responsibility and problem-solving skills. Think about the “homework” you have as an adult: mail to manage, bills to pay, budgets to maintain, groceries to buy, school papers to organize, meals to plan and prepare, etc. Think about the skills you need to use to accomplish each of these tasks: reading, planning, organizing, calculating, and filing are just a few. When did he first practice each of these skills? For most people, the development of their skills can be traced back to the task.

Homework also represents a child’s first major opportunity to gain control. One day when my son was 18 months old, the two of us were having dinner with several relatives. As he cleaned it up after a messy lunch, he was far more interested in entertaining his cousins ​​than cooperating with me. Although I kept a straight face and didn’t let his antics elicit a reaction from me, he still managed to push me. I finally cleaned it up and sighed in frustration, “How does he know how to get to me!?”

My always observant and very wise cousin pointed out: “As important as he is in your life, you are 100 times more important in his. You have other responsibilities to fill your days, but his only responsibility is to study and imitate you.” In this process, he quickly learns how to test you.” Hmmmm. Good point.

From the day your child is born, their goal is to grow and become more and more independent of you. All parents want their children to grow up to be happy, successful, and well-adjusted adults, but most of us don’t want to “let them go.” Children who clamor for independence, however, quickly learn that their parents place a high value on homework and homework is something over which they have control.

Many children quickly learn that homework is their currency and will use it to “perform” if other seemingly unrelated things are bothering them. Of course, most children are unaware of this thought pattern. They just know they want some control, and homework is an important way to get it; “I don’t have to do my math homework tonight. You can’t make me!” or “Why do we have homework anyway? It doesn’t make sense! I don’t want to do it!” Sounds familiar?

How do I overcome this ‘control’ problem?

The best way to overcome the ‘control’ problem is to give your child some control. Now, I’m not saying you should let them run the house and handle the chore as they please, but give them control at the right times, in the right way, and you’ll find the chore battles will fade away. For example, if you’re trying to decide what to make for dinner, ask your youngster, “Do you want roast beef or spaghetti for dinner?” Then do the one she chooses. By giving her two options, she has ensured that she will select something appropriate, and by acting on her choice, she is communicating to him that her opinion is important and that she has some control.

Give your kids lots of choice… Involve them in the process when you select a menu for the week and create a shopping list. Let them choose which TV show to watch each night. (If you have more than one child, ask them to take turns.) Let them decide where to go to dinner and what they want to wear to school. If your child is reluctant to wear a jacket, for example, say “Jeannie, it’s cold outside and you need to wear a jacket. Would you like to wear this one or that one?” This simple concept of giving choices can prevent power struggles and can be used with children of all ages; babies to young adults.

It really works! Getting back to my 18-month-old son… He was, and still is, a very independent spirit. (I have no idea where he got that from!) When my husband picked him up from daycare, Marky refused to hold his hand. As soon as my husband took hold of his hand, Marky would instantly go limp and fall like spaghetti to the floor. After some frustration, my husband finally gave him his choice. “Mark, you have to hold daddy’s hand in the parking lot or daddy will have to carry you.” For two days, Mark instantly collapsed to the ground, so my husband picked him up and carried him, kicking and screaming, to the car. On the third day, when Mark received the options from him, he decided that he would rather walk to the car holding dad’s hand than carry him. It’s been over a year now and he has never given us any trouble holding his hand.

Choices with homework

If you develop the habit of giving your children some options and honoring their choices at appropriate times during the day, homework time will soon become easier. However, there are many ways you can give your child choices when doing homework. Some examples are:

– “You need to study for your spelling test on Friday. Would you like to study 10 minutes every night this week or 20 minutes on Tuesday and Thursday?”

– “I have to make dinner tonight and then take your sister dancing. Would you like to work on your homework now with me or alone while I take Jennifer dancing?”

– “We have three books that meet your teacher’s criteria for a book report. Which of these three do you like best?”

– “What do you want to do first, your math or science homework?”

– “How long do you think it should take you to do your language arts homework, 15 or 20 minutes? I’ll set the timer for ___ minutes. See if you can finish your homework before time is up.”

– “Your teacher suggests that we get you a magazine subscription because you seem to prefer reading shorter stories and articles. I’ve been looking at a few options and I think any of these three would be good. Which one do you want?”

More than just giving options

When you give your child a choice and then follow through on it, you’re not only giving him some control, but you’re letting him know through your actions that you value his opinion. This sense of worth has important implications for her sense of confidence and will help increase her motivation. When you value and respect your child (while maintaining proper control), your child will value and respect you… only that will make homework time more peaceful. The good news is that this mutual respect will make other parts of your family life more enjoyable and can be a good foundation as your child enters their teens. (It also works if your child is a teenager now.)

Additional Causes of Homework Headaches

While fighting for control is the most common reason for homework arguments, some kids may be dealing with additional issues: work may be completely out of their mind, they may not know how to properly deal with frustration, it’s They may not want your attention for homework, they may be disorganized and not know how to manage homework or school materials and supplies, or they may be so busy that they don’t have time to focus on homework. Each of these issues should be dealt with accordingly, but first make sure the “control” factor is in check. Good luck!

© 2006 Susan Kruger, All Rights Reserved. You may use this article in whole or in part in print, on a website, or in an email newsletter, as long as you include full attribution, including the live website link. Please also notify me where the material will appear.

The attribution should say:

“By Susan Kruger of SOAR Study Skills. Visit Susan’s website at http://www.soarstudyskills.com/ for additional resources on study skills and homework help.”