Many conversations about infidelity are started by someone who is trying to maintain their marriage. It’s rare to hear of someone having no part in the marriage, but sometimes it happens. Occasionally it is heard from “the other woman” that she feels some pity or remorse. Sometimes, he doesn’t even want to get close to the wife. She just wants someone to listen to her and she doesn’t need that person to be her wife.

However, there are times when the other woman reports feeling this overwhelming need to communicate directly with the wife to give her some sort of apology. Here’s what she might hear: “I can’t say I had an affair with a married man. I don’t consider it an affair. I had sex with a colleague when we were at a conference. It happened twice a year.” over a weekend and it never happened again. I strongly believe that if we hadn’t been in such close quarters together with drinking involved, it never would have happened. I’m not even attracted to the guy. And I avoid it at work. . I am also married. So I know how devastating it would be if it was my spouse who cheated on me. I feel so bad about this that sometimes it’s all I can think about. I met the other man’s wife briefly at work. -Together and she is very sweet. I can’t stop thinking about her and how sorry I am. I am friends with her on Facebook, but we are not close friends with her. Based on some of her posts, I’m pretty sure she either told her husband about her affair or she found out about it from other coworkers. photos, it looks like they are trying to figure it out. I long to apologize to her, but I’m not sure the best way to do it. How should I do it?”

I’m going to try to say this in the kindest way possible. But as a woman who has been on the other side of this fence when she was trying to rebuild my marriage after cheating, I don’t think you should be doing that at all.

Because? Because I can’t see him helping the wife at all. I don’t see any advantage to her. You say it looks like she’s trying to move on. So what would your sudden appearance do for her? She would bring back bad memories. She could later the progress of it. Sure, it might make you feel better to get this off your chest. But your concern is for her, right?

If that’s true, and you really want to do what’s best for her, my suggestion is don’t do anything. I know this is not what you wanted to hear. But I think it’s better for her if you step back and leave her and her husband alone. If she feels the urge to talk to you, she will reach out to you. But I think it’s better to respect her privacy and her marriage and leave this in the past, where she belongs.

I can only speak for myself, but if the “other woman” had suddenly appeared and expressed that she just wanted to tell me how sorry she was, she wouldn’t have liked this. She wouldn’t have seen any point in it and this intrusion wouldn’t have helped me or offered me anything but frustration or discomfort. Of course, everyone is different, but rarely do I see encounters or interactions between the wife and another woman that go well. I hardly ever see this scenario achieve anything positive.

It may make you feel better if you write in a journal why you regret it and what you are doing in your own life to make it right. What you may really be looking for is to be able to release your feelings. There is a way to achieve that without bringing anyone else down or involving anyone else. Your sorrow is really yours. And there’s nothing wrong with expressing it to yourself.

Because I suspect that what the wife wants is not your pity or your apology. It is likely that she wants to continue with her life. And when you suddenly show up, she can’t do that. She suddenly has to stop her impulse and revisit the past. I can only speak for myself, but this kind of pause would not be welcome or healthy in my opinion. I suspect that if she wants to communicate, she’ll let you know. If not, both families are better off trying to move on and deal with the people within their own homes.

You’ve said there’s nothing between you and the other man and there never will be, so why bring up something that happened a long time ago and was nothing to begin with?