Misunderstandings are common in marriage. A partner misinterprets the intended message. These messages can usually be easily cleared up by reflecting your confusion. Lack of communication is even more likely during a marriage crisis. Mixed messages are a common source of miscommunication and can be more difficult to clarify.

Mixed messages are the result of your partner giving mixed messages. For example, your spouse expresses concern for your well-being and then says something hurtful. You are drawn to the heat and then stung by the coldness in your partner’s voice. Like a purring cat suddenly biting your hand, you distrust your partner’s messages.

Conflicting messages often occur because what is being said does not match the way it is being said. For example, your partner has a sad facial expression but denies that something is wrong. Another example is a wife who has spent much less time at home, but says, “I’m not avoiding you.” You receive a message through the expression of your partner that conflicts with what they say to you.

The question: “Do you love me?” is answered (with a flat voice), “You know I love you.” Words are words of love; but are they? The voice has no expression of love. Your spouse may proclaim love, but there is no affection accompanying the words. They kiss you only when you ask for a kiss. The kiss communicates love, but the stiffness in your partner’s body communicates distance.

Tries to clarify the message to determine which message is correct. This produces little clarification and more confusing messages. When you confront inconsistencies in your partner’s messages, they tell you that you are wrong or that they are avoiding you.

The most hurtful mixed messages are the ones that define the relationship. These are painful because you need to understand the state of the relationship. The most common mixed message given by a distancing spouse is “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” Since “love” and “not in love” are opposite feelings, the message is not clear. You are left thinking, “What does this mean?” “I love you” sounds positive, but “I’m not in love with you” sounds negative. Obviously something is missing, but what is it? Is there any hope embedded in the message? You feel confused and want more information, information that is not available.

Mixed messages can serve to indirectly express rejection, as if a mixed message is less hurtful. That is one of the reasons why clarification is unsuccessful. Clarifying the position would force your partner to accept responsibility for distancing himself from you. However, the most common reason for mixed messages is that your spouse wants to distance himself, but has not made a decision on whether or not to remain committed to the marriage. Conflicting messages reflect the mixed feelings found within you.

Conflicting messages from your spouse are not difficult to interpret because you have not been able to clarify the message. Mixed messages are difficult to understand because your spouse is in a state of inner turmoil. Naturally, you are biased and want to believe any positive messages that contain the hope that the relationship can survive this crisis. You also want to ignore the rejection, hoping it is temporary. If you listen to the message, you will learn more about your spouse’s inner turmoil than about the relationship. You cannot get an accurate picture of your spouse’s opinion of the relationship until your spouse gains internal clarity.

• Stop spending unnecessary time clarifying your partner’s messages.
• It reflects the acceptance that your partner is not clear about their feelings, so it offers unclear messages.
• Stay away from analyzing too much everything your partner says, you will know what your position is when your partner has made that decision for himself.
• Put your energy into personal care. Socialize with those who care about you. Nourish your body, mind and spirit.