This probably happens to too many men and women trying to get their ex back.

Your ex tells you that he’s not ready to get back together yet, but suggests that you stay in touch as friends and see where things are going. So they send emails or talk regularly and feel like they are engaged in each other’s life once again. You are not together again, but the communication between the two of you is warm and friendly. They have even talked about being open and honest with each other, because they value each other’s friendship. But one day you find out that your ex lied to you.

Your ex told you that he was going out with friends, but he still had a date. You are livid. Why would your ex lie to you? Why didn’t he tell you the truth? Do you keep quiet and pretend that nothing bothers you? Should you ignore it since it’s really none of your business who your ex is dating? Should you confront him for his lies?

Now most people would tell you “just get rid of the liar.” If lying (or cheating) were a major problem in the relationship, I’d also say “lose the loser.”

But if not, there are many reasons why your ex might not want to tell you that they were on a date with someone else.

1. The most obvious is that your ex didn’t want to hurt your feelings because he really cares about you. It is not a good excuse to lie, but it is understandable.

2. If there is a history of jealousy, needy behavior, or any kind of emotional outburst, your ex is likely afraid that talking about your date with someone else would create an emotionally charged situation, and he or she was not. ready for a scream, tantrum tears.

3. Your ex thinks it’s none of your business. You haven’t been back together, so dating someone else isn’t like he or she is cheating on you.

But if you hope to get back together, shouldn’t being honest and open be something that you both want?

I think so! I also think that you should talk to your ex about what you know, but without completely ruining your chances of getting back together.

Whatever you do, don’t accuse your ex of lying by omission. Accusing someone of lying, especially if you don’t think they have done something wrong, is like running into a wall very fast, head first! From what you know, unless you’ve seen your ex with someone else on a date, your source may not even be accurate.

My advice is to opt for a forward-looking, cooperative solution-oriented approach. Using an open, direct, non-adversarial, non-antagonistic, and non-coercive approach radically reduces the harmful consequences of the adversary’s traditional antagonistic approach.

It would sound something like this: “You know how much I care about you and value your friendship. We have had our ups and downs, but look at us, we are still friends. However, this past weekend you told me you were going out with your friends, but I found out that you were on a date. I fully understand that we are never getting back together, but for my own sake, I need to know that I can trust each other if I trust myself. They went out on a date, would you tell me?

People are generally more comfortable speaking freely when you ask for their help, in addition to accusing them; and when you focus on the solution rather than the problem. And most people who approach this way will probably face it and admit that they were actually on a date and tell you why they felt the need to lie about it.

Listen without interrupting, then after your ex has finished drinking, follow up with a cooperative, solution-oriented response, “I get it. I’ve made mistakes in the past and some of those mistakes may have made you feel like you couldn’t tell me you were going. going out on a date. I’m working on myself and knowing that you can be open and honest with me about things like this will give me a chance to practice trusting my own judgment and others. I need your help from time to time. will you help? “

This approach may appear “weak” at first, but a forward-thinking cooperative approach that does not compromise your values ​​(openness, honesty, and trust) has enormous advantages.

First of all, you are being totally honest; second, it is neither threatening nor confrontational; Third, you are telling your ex that you want him not to lie to you again; Fourth, you are telling your ex that you want him to know that you are working on yourself and that you are becoming a “new you” different from the person he broke up with; and fifth, you got your ex to agree on something that you can work together as a team.

Cooperative teamwork is essential to getting your ex back because it is the glue that holds two people together.

This is just one example of cooperative solution-oriented things you can say. The important thing is that you formulate your cooperative, solution-oriented questions and sentences in a way that suits your personality, but keeps it direct and assertive. If your ex is feeling fear in the form of passive aggression, he will fight back and force you to back off, and you will end up feeling petty, insecure, and angry.

Always remember to end with a cooperative search question. Your goal is not to “win,” but to come to an agreement that both of you can uphold and move things forward.

But it’s not just about the focus, the most important thing is the state you are in, mentally and emotionally, and of course the groundwork you have established up to this point. It helps a lot if you are working on yourself because in this process you have to manage your emotions and prevent them from taking control of the situation. This is what makes the difference between constructive dialogue and struggle.