September 17, 2007
When a loser fails, does that make it a win? Not always, but this week the top two seeds, Duke and Iowa State, are not living up to expectations by winning their games. That’s why you play them.
Week 3 action brought a number of curious results. In a major milestone, Duke planted an ‘L’ in someone else’s backyard for a change by introducing the Northwestern Wildycats to the bottom of the loser’s barrel. And after achieving the unthinkable by losing to Kent State and Northern Iowa, the Iowa State Cyclones put all their eggs in their team’s field goal basket to beat the real Iowa 15-13, without scoring a touchdown.
Michigan threw a wet towel over Ohio State’s delirium by not losing to Notre Dame. Now the South Benders take sole possession of the national attention focused on their winning season. The Irish lost convincingly to a starting team with a quarterback who had never played a down and couldn’t, without fake ID, buy a beer. Giving up 31 straight points in the first half had many ND students whipping out their fake IDs and hitting I-90 for downtown Chicago before the Michigan band took the field. Recognizing the now real prospect of a significantly longer losing streak, Irish fans are mustering their courage, liquid and otherwise, to look into the outhouse of their 2007 season. An 0-3 record cannot be ignored, for what the Irish enter the top ten of futility this week.
The Louisville Cardinals also learned a bit about what it was like to be Murray State in Week 1, giving the University of Kentucky a win. It was Kentucky’s first win over a top-tier opponent since disco was king. Kentucky snuck through the early season with wins over Kent State and Eastern Kentucky to sneak up on and beat the Cardinals 40-24 in a defensive battle.
Trying to sneak up on people is a Nebraska employee strategy. The Huskers spend the beginning of the season beating up smaller schools and then ambushing the Big Boys when necessary. Unknown within Nebraskaland, the Big Reds are considered one of the Big Boys and are not allowed to sneak up on anyone. Consequently, the Cornhuskers were holed up at home 49-31 against #1 USC. USC’s 21 straight points in the third quarter sealed the deal.
#11 UCLA took a trip to the forgotten time zone to take on Utah and the Utes blew him out 44-6. The UCLans just didn’t know how to set their clocks for start time and figured they needed their passports to get to Utah. Going into the game, the Utes racked up losses to the Oregon State and Air Force. They needed to play at UCLA to recover.
And after weeks and even years of throwing themselves on the Futility Sword of Self Sacrifice, Troy University pulled off a big 41-23 win over a reasonably talented Oklahoma State team. Some of the historic blowouts suffered by the Trojans include a 56-0 blowout to Nebraska in 2006, as well as beginning 2007 with a 46-26 loss to Arkansas and a 59-31 blowout to Florida. The Trojans held on and kept scheduling games against good schools, eventually achieving a solid victory. So congratulations to Troy! This is what makes games worth watching.
Watching last week’s losers take to the field brought some interesting results and scrambled the top ten of football futility, giving us a new, higher level of failing. When schools like Vanderbilt start getting conference wins, things get really confusing, so hang in there.
1. Syracuse
The wind inside the Carrier Dome was giving the Illinois kicker trouble, as he nearly missed on the opening kickoff of the second half, scoring about four yards. This put the ball up to the 29 and led to a Syracuse field goal. Unfortunately for the Oranges, they were already down 17-0. Counting on the opposing kicker to hit the top of the ball to improve his position on the field is a tough way to rack up points.
If Syracuse can figure out how to create wind inside their Carrier Dome, they should be able to find a way to score touchdowns. Orange sports is now 0-3 heading into week 4 with a game against Louisville. Orange better figure out how to make the wind blow the ball across the face of the card if they want to win this one.
2. Army
The Mules lost to Wake Forrest this week as expected. The Deacons gave their offense the day off, allowing special teams and defense to score the points. Army fell 21-10 in this one to extend their record to 1-2. Army better start setting expectations for this weekend when the Knights take on a ranked BC Eagles squad that is on a 3-0 run after beating the G Tech Wrecks.
3. State of Utah
In the Week 3 Ben Dover Memorial Game, the Utah State Aggies put up a tough fight against the University of Oklahoma before being defeated 54-3. The Aggies threw everything they had against the Sooners, but the Sooners’ second and third strings scored 38 points in the first 30 minutes. After that, it was easy for the Sooners, but they held on to a 51-point margin of victory. Save your ticket stubs from this one, folks. Someday they’ll be worth something, like, well… never mind.
4. State of San Jose
Another new addition to the top ten of the worst, San Jose State jumped ahead of several previously ranked schools by virtue of its stellar 0-3 record. However, the Spartans have a chance this week against newly ranked Utah State. This is the rotten game of the week as the 0-3 Spartans bring their experience of losing to AZ State, KState and Stanford down the line against Utah State.
5.North Carolina
The Tar Heels had an absolutely Nebraskaesque (non-USC) schedule in place to get their football program up and running. Unlike the Huskers, North Carolina came out and let the VA Cadavaliers win them 22-20 at home. However, the lucky Heels are now taking their show on the road to South Florida, so they may have a shot at winning on the road. Should South Florida take them out on the South Florida steamer, look to the Heels to start a run at number one.
6. State of North Carolina
Wolfpack may have seen its best game of September. The next few weeks will bring ranked opponents, so NCState better enjoy their win over Wofford. The ‘Pack scheduled this game in mid-September so season ticket holders would have to purchase tickets as part of their ACC package. This is sound business planning. Perhaps big business should be in charge of the soccer program, as the Wolfpack now heads to the meat of the ACC schedule.
7. State of Iowa
The Cyclones locked their way to number one by stealing a win over Real Iowa thanks to five field goals. A win is a win, but scoring enough points without scoring a touchdown is still boring. This may have been the strategy when the Hawkeyes yawned to get enough sleep to allow I-State to kick a fourth-quarter field goal to win. Next up for I state is Toledo, who has previous experience against teams like Ohio State. Toledo has a shot at this one, so stay tuned.
8. Duke
The Blue Devils fell short in their attempt to repeat their perfect, winless season in 2006. They beat Northwestern in Evanston, IL on Saturday to snap one of the longest losing streaks by BCS-level teams. This battle of intellectual stars resulted in a cerebral thriller 20-14 with a total of 7 points scored in the entire second half. Congratulations, though, to Duke and good luck. They have every chance to climb back to the top of the futility rankings with a schedule that includes four currently ranked teams. Who would have thought that the game on November 17 against Notre Dame could be closed?
9. State of New Mexico
The other useless top ten Aggies pulled off a victory over nearby Texas El Paso this week. It’s a good thing these two schools play soccer because there isn’t much else to do in that part of the country except walk across the bridge to Juarez for a decent tequila. These schools are so close to each other that fans of each school gather along the Texas/New Mexico border to throw rocks at each other. Coaching staffs from both schools observe the festivities to recruit and train quarterbacks.
10. Our Lady
How unusual is this? Not only are the Irish included in the top ten for worst college football, they were also shut out of another 0-2 school. One can only imagine the pain in South Bend this week. Notre Dame’s recruiting network is melting and reaching critical mass. ND physics students know exactly what this means and seek to throw a carbon rod into the smoldering radioactive mass to prevent it from exploding. The ND coaching staff seems to be the best that can be done, so stay tuned to see who’s next in two weeks. The last coach to rack up five straight losses gave his final salute to Touchdown Jesus shortly after.
Now that the 2007 season is solidly underway, there are some great games and matchups to enjoy. Will Duke and I-State get back on track to lose on Saturday? Will Syracuse be able to stop an angry and driven Louisville from taking their lives? For answers to these and other important questions of our time, visit http://firstworst.com
