Sometimes I hear from people who aren’t sure what direction they want to take with their marriage. Often, on the one hand, they realize that things have gone wrong. They often wonder if things are so bad that nothing they say or do is going to make a difference. And a small part of them wonders if they are going to be happy staying married or if things would be better if they let go. This is a tough decision, as you don’t know what to expect when venturing out on your own. Will you be alone and less happy alone? Or will it be a relief to let it go?
I recently heard from a wife who said, “For the past six months, I have been drifting further and further away from my husband. Our marriage had been struggling for some time. I did not intend or consciously decide that we should start living separate lives. It just happened. I started hanging out with my friends more. I became active on Facebook. I started staying up late after work and socializing. And I’m finding that there’s a part of me that’s accepting my new life. Yet the other day , my husband saw that someone had tagged a picture of me with my friends on Facebook. My husband saw it and it really hurt. He sat me down and asked if I wanted out of our marriage. .I didn’t know how to respond. My husband is very direct about of wanting to save our marriage. But I’m not sure if I feel the same way. I can’t help but notice how much I’m enjoying the little bit of freedom that I’ve started to demand, but at the same time, every time I think about ending my marriage, I Memories of when we were happy begin to flood. I miss those times. I still have loving feelings towards my husband sometimes. But when I think about saving my marriage, I think about the end of my new life, and it tears me apart. So how do I know what I really feel? How do I know for sure if I want to save my marriage?”
In fact, I hear from many people who have mixed feelings about saving their marriages. Sometimes these conflicting feelings are due, at least in part, to their beliefs about the process of saving their marriage (and these beliefs often turn out to be false). Sometimes these people are just not sure if they will be happier in life. marriage or more single content. While I can’t answer these questions for you, I can give you a few things to think about, which I’ll do next.
The fact that you have some conflicting thoughts about saving your marriage may be important: I have to tell you that people who have ended their marriage in a determined and healthy way, generally do not have this type of indecision. To many people, it is completely obvious and clear that their marriage is over and that even though they did everything they could to save it, they have now reached the end game. They are usually pretty cool with this decision because they know they saw it until there were no more ways to go.
Because there isn’t as much confusion, there often isn’t much anger, jealousy, or sadness either. It is quite a simple process when you are sure that your marriage has come to a natural end.
But if you haven’t gotten to this point yet, you might want to ask yourself why. Do you still have feelings of love for your spouse that you just can’t turn off? Do you worry that he still hasn’t tried everything he could to save you, including counseling, or being honest with himself, or saying the things he wants to say without fear of rejection? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, perhaps exploring these topics will give you peace of mind.
My general rule of thumb is always that if you’re not sure if your marriage is over, it probably isn’t. Because if you were in the final phase of your marriage, you probably would know. But the questions usually mean that there are some issues that have not been closed yet. And sometimes, addressing those same issues could transform or save your marriage.
Examine the beliefs you have about saving your marriage and ask yourself if they might be wrong: Many people who are not sure if they want to save their marriage have some of the doubts they experience because they are reticent about the process of reconciliation or marriage salvation.
If you ask these people to describe what it would entail to save their marriage, they will often tell you that they are afraid of having to undergo painful counseling, embarrassing conversations, or concessions so unfair that they strip away your individuality and ideals. None of these things have to be true. The wife in this situation was so afraid that saving her marriage meant that she had to give up her new found happiness and social life. She certainly didn’t. She could continue to see her friends on her own if she wanted, as long as she also made time for her husband. And there was always the option to include it. Frankly, having your own life, your own friends, and your own hobbies can actually make your marriage better because you come into it a happier, more complete person.
If this perception prevents you from trying to save your marriage, ask yourself if the process would be worth seeing for yourself rather than assuming the worst case scenario. You may be pleasantly surprised. Many people actually tell me that they are glad they took a chance and didn’t give up on their marriage. Because they really find out that saving him ended up being the right choice for them because they are happier than they suspected and the process turned out not to be as difficult as they feared.
