I often hear from people who are considering forcing their spouse to end their affair. They often feel like they have no real choice in the matter, but wonder what the consequences might be of forcing their spouse’s hand. I heard from a wife who said, “My husband has been having an affair for eight weeks. He works with this woman. When I found out and confronted him, he said he wasn’t sure he was ready to break up.” I told him there was no room for negotiation. I told him that if he had anything more to do with her, I would leave him and take our children with me. She said that she needed some time to think about it. We haven’t really discussed it since then, but I’m getting ready to bring it up once and for all. I’m going to give her an ultimatum and a deadline. When I was discussing this with one of my friends, she said forcing him to end the affair would probably It will have very negative consequences. Is she right? Will forcing her hand be a wrong decision?”

It is impossible for me to answer this question for this wife. I don’t know the husband or the dynamics of her marriage. But I can tell you that there can be some consequences when she forces her spouse to end the affair. I will discuss some of them below.

He can resent it: I find this very unfair, but it is often the reality. Even when your spouse understands why he needs to give you the ultimatum, he will often resent that he gave you no choice in the matter. They may also feel the other person’s loss and, rightly or wrongly, blame you for it.

He may yearn for the other person since he had no closure: This is another common consequence. Since he didn’t end the relationship, he could always think that she was the one who ran away. He might obsess over what she could have been or what she is doing now.

He can still see her behind your back: Because of the things I mentioned above, some spouses feel like they can’t let go of the other person. However, they often still want to hold on to their family. So, in her own mind, one way to make everyone happy while they figure this all out is to keep seeing her behind your back. Now, sometimes they don’t have physical contact or sex at this point, but they stay in contact because they just can’t bear to let it go completely.

He can see you as the person who stands in the way of his happiness: There are times when the cheating spouse projects their frustrations onto the faithful spouse. This isn’t fair or accurate, but sometimes he has to put his anger somewhere and he won’t always blame the other woman or himself. He may portray you as the person who doesn’t understand him or is trying to keep him from true happiness.

You may also wonder if he would have finished the adventure on his own. Insecurity can be the result: If you know that the only reason he is no longer with this other woman is because you forced him to be like this, then you will always wonder if he really wants to be with you or if he is just forced to be with you. This can create all kinds of doubts and insecurities that ensure that the pain continues.

The positive things that can result from forcing the end of the relationship: So far, I have only mentioned the negative things that can happen when you make your spouse end the affair. Now, I admit that sometimes, there is something good that comes out of this. Sometimes he listens to your demands and breaks them. So, at least at that point, the affair is over and they no longer see each other. And in some cases, over time, the husband realizes that ending the affair was the right thing to do. There have been couples who have saved their marriage and healed in this situation. However, there are also couples who collapsed under the weight of the consequences.

What I think is the best option: As you are probably aware, I think there is often too much risk with this strategy. Of course, I can’t and won’t tell anyone what to do with their own marriage. But I think it’s more effective to expose the consequences of him not making the right decision and then let him choose for himself. The script might go something like, “This has to be your choice, but I can assure you that I cannot participate in a marriage where someone else is involved. In order for our relationship to continue and work itself out, I need to know that she is completely out of the picture and that you’re completely honest about saving our marriage. Until you can honestly tell me this, then I cannot participate in our marriage. So let me know when you’ve come “to the decision”.

You haven’t given him any ultimatums per se, but you have let him know that he won’t enjoy the benefits of being married to you while he continues with someone else. So now it’s up to him to decide which life he wants more than the other. And as painful as it is to wait for him to make this decision, at least you’ll know it’s a genuine decision. So if he ends the affair and returns to his marriage, he will know that it is because he really wanted to.